"I am a hopeful romantic." 

This is what an old boyfriend of mine told me, very early on, when we were still in an emotionally charged friendship, and not in an intermittently charged-in-every-way-possible to drained-in-every-way-possible relationship.

How I remember these words as though they were said yesterday. 

Ironically,  however, we are often capable of accepting a reality so far off the mark of "romantic", that what grew from a place of beauty and innocence-inherently FULL of hope, can quickly and easily become hopeless. 

The balance of reality with fantasy, romance with practicality is not an easy thing to master. Too often, we are scorned once and go on to carry the venom of the bite in our veins for far too long, tethering ourselves to a lasting pain and an eventual numbing down of our true soulful potential. I have seen my own steel-toed footprints walking at varying speeds in this grave direction myself over the years. It took a particularly long march for me to reach a mark that urged me to re-assess my chosen spiritual and emotional route. Only I hadn't realized until that point- which wasn't too long ago- that I had made that choice long before I knew I ever had one. I assumed that all misfortune, pain, and heartbreak, had happened TO me. I knew I wasn't the only one, but I never took responsibility for the conjecture my life was taking. 

This is because I sincerely didn't realize I had that power. Or that freedom. I like that word better, because thats more of what its about; finally taking the wheel after years of watching people and places pass by too quickly, or never going down that road that you always wanted to go down because it's heavily wooded, brightly lit, or just because there's just something about it, and finally  making the turn necessary to go down into it. Understanding that yes, life is hard, and bad things might have already happened that never should have, but they did, and here you are, still breathing, still standing, still living to see another day when you could make this day the day that all others could have been and should have been had you known you were the one that could have made them that way. Which brings us full-circle, and even allows us to appreciate all of those miserable times, for without them, you may never have reached this wondrous, powerful shift in your souler universe. 

I drove home from my boyfriend's tonight- NOT the "I'm a hopeful romantic" boyfriend, who is an ex boyfriend- but my current boyfriend's- who is still surprising me with both his other worldly sweetness and earthly dedication. I drove home from his house begrudgingly, as I wasn't ready to go home, even though I knew I would be greeted by the most loving and lovable   (and hungry) cat in the world, I just knew I would miss the company of my boyfriend, whose friendship is steadily growing in its value and depth. A funny thing happened on my drive home, though. Funny, odd, bittersweet, a bit sad, but more relieving. 

That funny thing is that I reached a red light, and something about the dark night, and the subtle tones of a Mariah Carey cd I'd had in my cd player playing in the background permeated my heart, and I suddenly started to cry. I cried a few soft tears at this light, turned up the MC, and then I cried some more as I shifted into first gear and hopped forward thru a couple more lights, now crying a bit harder. By the time I got to the next red light, I was really crying. The kind that exhaust you when you're finally thru, and you know its what you needed.

By the time I got home I realized, I'm finally ready to redefine the words my ex boyfriend said to me so long ago, words that it's taken me basically until today to understand were simply void of the wisdom and appreciation it takes to both be hopeful, and romantic. And to realize that those words are nothing without the trust in oneself as well as each other, to back them up.

The venom is finally gone, in this respect. 

And to honor the time and incredible energy it has taken to reach this moment so surprisingly, I will steadily strip my heart of all of its safety nets and barbed wire fences, and let someone else show me what love really means to them, but more importantly, what it means to me.