I don't know about everyone else, but I find that going through a break-up is quite possibly the most daunting and most encouraging time in life, especially when it's a very long and tumultuous relationship you're stepping out of. This past week I've woken up and said to myself one of two things, "I'm going to make a nice breakfast, take a hot shower, and see where the day takes me." or, "I'm going to sit here all day and attach myself to either my bed or the living room chair." The former, of course, is on the days when I'm feeling particularly spunky, and the latter, when I'm feeling particularly brooding and depressed.
Most of my family and friends, having seen me through my other two previous attempts at ending said relationship, are familiar with my ups and downs, and with the cycle I've repeatedly submitted myself to. I could hear in their voices and sense in their words when I told them that I had ended the relationship again, the hesitance they felt in accepting that THIS IS ACTUALLY IT. It's been a couple weeks, and so I'm still, historically, that is, not quite past the stage of Oh-God-This-Is-Too-Hard-And-I-Want-Him-Back. But, I will say for myself that the way I'm handling it now has a much different quality about it than it has in the past, a clean feeling, like a precise cut to flesh. (Sorry if this makes you cringe... these are the things I envision) I don't find myself "needing" anymore, or feeling helpless- and if I ever do, I can easily chalk it up to something I am not fulfilling for myself, rather than assuming that someone else could close that gap for me. And then it becomes easier, because I know that I'm the only one with the answer.
Again, what a plain idea! But, sometimes common sense really isn't so common.
So I've been on a quest to appreciate the things I alone am capable of, no matter how simple. Reorganizing/ redecorating my room, running with friends, enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, brainstorming some new projects, and taking up the whole bed when I sleep. Embracing my personal freedom- beautiful, exciting, and overwhelming at once.
All of it makes me feel like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
sit this made me teary. I'm not going through what you're going through obviously, but I do know just what you mean about letting yourself realize what you alone are capable of and how empowering that is. And finally grasping that you hold the answers, no one else does.
ReplyDeleteI love it sis, and I'm loving your whole blog :)
I'm proud of you Chels. These are strong, confident words. I believe you can be who you want to be. And I love you.
ReplyDelete:] Thank you both.
ReplyDeleteHey I have the same life.I take myself as a zero as I have nothing with me n feel relaxed..otherwise it gives stress n worries..so happy alone spending good time with life.
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